There’s a lot to think about and plan for before having a baby, but one area that often gets
forgotten? Your relationship. Learn more about how having a baby changes relationships and some common challenges here.
So how do you keep a strong bond, and keep conflict from doing lasting damage? By focusing on both healthy communication and intentional connection. Here are six ways to help your relationship in this season while you don't have a lot of energy to put into it:
1. Prioritize both of your sleep, even if you have different sleep needs. One of you needs
more total sleep to function but can nap, the other can't nap but can function on less
sleep? Take that into account when you make a plan for nights.
2. Go to bed angry. Yes, you read that right. We are not at our best when we are
overtired, and sometimes it’s best to put a pause on an argument. The problem comes
when you never circle back to the issue. But coming back to it with clearer heads, a
willingness to understand, and maybe a few hours of sleep under your belt is a loving
choice for the relationship. So agree to a pause for the night, and to a time you will
revisit the conversation.
3. Give more than your fair share. If you try to only take on 50%, the other person will do
the same, and things can get very tit-for-tat. Take on what you can, and prioritize both of
your needs, not just your own. Hopefully you both do the same, and you create a more
caring, generous culture where you aren't having to fight for your needs to be met.
4. Validate each other. Many aspects of taking care of a new baby are scary, unknown,
and stressful. Instead of trying to compare who is more stressed or minimize your
partner’s feelings in the hope this will make them feel better, validate them. Tell them
their feelings make sense and you understand why they feel that way. This will help
them feel more connected to you, and often calm the distressing emotion.
5. Assume good intent. Your thoughts play a huge role in your relationship. You can start
a fight in your mind before anything has even happened, and end up in a fight based on
assumptions. Notice when you are assuming the worst about your partner, and try to
give them some grace or even check in with them about what their intent was.
6. Find low-energy ways to connect. Maybe you used to love going to concerts together,
or traveling, or taking a class together. You will return to these hobbies, but for now get
creative! Listen to music together, bring the baby to a neighborhood you haven’t been to,
or listen to and discuss a weekly podcast together. You may need to be more intentional
about what connection looks like right now, but it’s worth it.
Next steps:
Make a plan with your partner where you both affirm the shared goal to keep the relationship strong in this time. Talk about these and other ways to improve the relationship. And if you’re struggling to make these changes on your own, consider seeking couples therapy to get some extra support.
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